TriumphAnt

More Bits ‘n’ Pieces

1. Here’s another drive-by shot from the “Live and let live” highway. I am nothing if not tolerant, indeed respectful, of local customs and traditions, but in light of the following I have a simple and practical suggestion that, dare I say it, might well make the difference between life and death.

(From the Globe and Mail, 20 May 2004): “U.S. accused in attack on Iraqi wedding party / Baghdad — A U.S. helicopter fired on a wedding party early Wednesday in western Iraq, killing more than 40 people, Iraqi officials said… Iraqis interviewed on the videotape said partygoers had fired into the air in a traditional wedding celebration. U.S. troops have sometimes mistaken celebratory gunfire for hostile fire.”

Um, Iraqis: given that you are presently occupied by a large military force that most of you consider to be hostile, and given too that a great many of your countrymen are shooting them or blowing them up at every conceivable opportunity, resulting in the mutual perception by those same occupying troops that a great many of you are hostile, you might want to consider – hopefully just for a temporary period but starting NOW – celebrating a happy event like a wedding with something other than gunfire, even if it is directed skywards. And no, I don’t think switching to firecrackers would work. Maybe try throwing rice. Or hiring an orchestra – but leave out the drums. Just don’t do anything that makes a loud bang. And come to think of it, don’t shout. A lot of these guys can’t tell a happy Arabic yell of “Hurray!” from an angry Arabic yell of “Go to hell you bastards!”, and might just as swiftly shoot someone screaming at him to come over for a celebratory glass of Arrak.

The life you save might be your new in-law’s.

Don’t mention it. As they say on the Internet, HTH (Hope This Helps.)

2. What goes up… etc.

the “what” being a large, ten-year old, pressure-treated wood play structure that combined an elevated deck with a rope ladder, “Tarzan swing”, fireman’s pole and slide. With two of three long-weekend days actually offering sunshine in lieu of their forecast rain, dismantling this monster became the outdoor project of this year’s Victoria Day holiday weekend.

When I first built this structure, I decided to augment its huge nuts-and-bolts manufacturer’s fasteners with galvanized steel twisted nails. This would be a play structure for the ages! Of course, thinking so far ahead as the day it might actually have to come down again never occurred to me – Mighty Builder! – as I guyfully pounded in hundreds of the three-inch long tributes to perma-carpentry.

On tear-down weekend, I discovered that galvanized steel combined with pressure-treated lumber is indeed a potent structural combination. I have never before (and with the unanimous support of my Anti-phlogistine Rub A-535-starved shoulders – will never again!) pried, hammered, wrenched, reefed and just flat-out wrestled with anything so fiercely bound together! Eventually, I did manage to find some workable systems that slowly forced the tower apart, but only by amalgamating the combined use of tools like a cold chisel to open a slight gap, and a wrecking bar and eight-pound sledgehammer to lever the joined timbers apart.

Meanwhile, the City of Ottawa recently circulated brand new garbage collection rules and lumber – any lumber, not just the apparently toxic pressure-treated stuff – is no longer eligible for curbside pickup. Sigh. I figured about three years’ worth of placing a couple sawed-up pieces a week in with my food garbage oughta just about clear it all up. But, on a whim, I plunked about 30 pounds of broken board bits into a garbage can and set it out with the rest of my garbage. Next evening, when I returned home from work, just like the story of the shoemaker and his renowned elves, in its place I found a freshly emptied can and a woodpile about 30 pounds lighter.

3. Visits with old friends: Last weekend, we also took advantage of Queen Victoria’s largesse in agreeing to allow a national holiday to be celebrated in honour of her birthday by scheduling not one, but two family movie nights.

Offspring’s school orchestra was recently in concert in a performance that included the themes from, among others, “Dances with Wolves” (John Dunbar’s theme) and “Forrest Gump”. And frankly I had forgotten just how good both these movies are. (I had also forgotten just how fast kids grow up and was surprised too by the fact that, at 13, offspring not only sustained her interest, but admitted to enjoying both, despite long segments that would give new meaning to “ponderous” for most kids.)

Even “Forrest Gump”’s array of 60s allusions apparently didn’t divert from her enjoying the movie.

4. Election rant #1: And away we go.

It is an election campaign truth (just trust me, OK?) that when Campaign Rhetoric sits down on a grimy barstool beside Common Sense, Rhetoric without fail at some point during their long night together will get stinking drunk and flatten Common Sense in its headlong rush out the door to puke in the street for all to see. Well, as this note is written, the campaign is barely six days old, and Rhetoric is already clearly on the way to the mother of all hangovers. From the media (a May 28 column by one Jack Aubry, in this case):

“’I believe that when Paul Martin cancelled affordable housing across this country it produced a dramatic rise in homelessness and deaths due to homelessness and I've always said I hold him responsible for that.’ – NDP Leader Jack Layton, May 26, 2004, Toronto. Spin: Layton creates the first real controversy of the campaign by accusing Martin of being responsible for a dramatic rise in homeless deaths in Toronto because of his budget cuts to social housing. The prime minister is irate over the comments, rejecting the link to his budget cuts and demands an apology. Counterspin: Conservative leader Stephen Harper agrees Layton has gone too far on the homeless issue, but then appears to blame Martin for deaths caused by the failure to replace Sea King helicopters: ‘Well, I think this one is getting a little more direct, when you're putting people in the sky on dangerous equipment, you know I think you are putting their lives in jeopardy.’
Opposition's body count for Martin: more than 100 homeless and at least 10 helicopter crewmembers.”

So Common Sense picks itself up from the slime-soaked floor of the Great Canadian Campaign Bar and Grill, dusts off its corduroy pants, and promptly gets punched in the face by Rhetoric’s equally drunken wife who demands, “Well would you vote for a mass murderer who has killed (so far) 110 Canadians? Would’ju?!!”

And Common Sense presses a triple-ply Kleenex to its bleeding mouth, stumbles from the bar, slips in the fresh pool of what Rhetoric thoughtfully just spewed all over the street, and thinks, “Actually, they’re all complete idiots and I may just not vote at all this time around.” Common Sense heads sadly home, but happily finds a re-run of “Back to the Future” on TV.